Okay, before you read on, this is a long blog post. And I mean LONG. It’s the longest post I have ever written, and is about 3 times longer than the “Retro Update”. I started writing and just couldn’t stop. So you’ve been warned about the length of this post. If you have a lot of spare time, and If you want to know about me better or you're just curious about the life and random erratic mind of that guy on keepontyping.blogspot, then have fun reading what’s to come.
The main (but not only) reason I decided to write a post like this is because of my internship. It was suppose to go for 6 months. And according to my contract, it’s gonna be over at the end of this week. It’s almost already over, but I’ve asked to have it extended by an extra 6 weeks. From early responses, it’s most certainly gonna go ahead and get extended. One reason I want it extended is for the extra moolah. I just want to be stinkin’ filthy rich. But why I really want the internship extended is because I just love it so goddamn much. Best part of my uni life so far. I’ve learnt more in the first 2 months at my internship than I did in the first 2 years of uni. I found a place where I actually don’t mind going to work every morning.
My previous job completely sucked balls. I use to work at a call centre for charity. Even though it was for charity, I was getting paid, so it made it feel more like a job than an act of kindness. It was such a chore, calling up people knowing that you were about to annoy them for money. At first you sympathise with the people on the phone, thinking to yourself “Hey man, I’m one of you people. I understand if you say no. I’d say it too!” But as the weeks go by, you start to slowly go lose all respect for mankind. Trust me, telemarketers hate you as much as you hate them. It was just such a shit and unnecessarily dull job for me. One day, I went through a whole shift of calling up strangers, and filled up my roster for the following two weeks. As I walked out of the building, I thought to myself “Man, this is a shit job”. Pretty much a normal Monday. Why don’t I just quit then? I asked myself. And at that very moment, I did, completely leaving out of spontaneity. 2 weeks after that, I had an interview and was offered my new internship. I celebrated by turning up to my old job’s Christmas party and using up their free bar tab. All turned out well.
It’s such a relaxing place working at the council. I spend my mornings just walking around and having a chat with people. I enjoy they’re company, and believe it or not, they like having me around too. The people working at my branch are just so funny. I’m always laughing at the random and often gratuitous jokes. There’s really no point me writing an example. It’s more of a ‘you had to be there’ moment. I just don’t want it to end yet.
When the 6 week extension was accepted, I was also given an offer for an extra 6 months working there. I couldn’t really give an answer straight away. I mean, that place is great, but that would mean I would have to hold off uni again. I haven’t had a full uni semester in over a year. And I know I should be thinking “Are you crazy!? Who the hell wants to do nothing but assignments every 2nd day of the week? Take the 6 month extension!!!” I still have another month and a half to think it over, but I don’t think I’ll be taking up the offer. That place is, without a doubt, the most awesome place to be. And it does make me feel good to know that I was offered to stay there longer, and that the people there actually want me to stay there too. Nice feeling of belonging. But no matter how happy I am to stay around the people there, it can’t offer me anymore in my career. I want to be an engineer who designs buildings, bridges and just in your face structures, so that every time I see one of my designs constructed and standing, I can be proud knowing I helped create it. I want my work to be my lasting mark. It will be my version of “Trung was here” that I leave on this world. Well that’s the dream anyway. But it’s still a dream worth following, and as much as I am really happy where I am, it’s not leading me to where I want to end up. I don’t see it going anywhere, so I don’t think I’ll stay for the extra 6 months. It was really good while it lasted though and I’m gonna really enjoy these last 6 weeks. It’s time to move on. God, it sounds like I’m breaking up with the internship lol.
Going back to uni again. I haven’t had a full semester in over a year. I can’t believe it’s actually been that long. Uni is hated by people all the time, but I actually don’t mind it. I mean, of course doing assignments constantly week in week out is total crap and I’d feel better being attacked by a giant polar bear instead. But there’s something about the whole going to uni and staying in the city that I still admire. Most of the time I spend my time on the hour train ride sleeping, but I still don’t mind the times while I’m awake on it. Looking outside the windows, seeing all the stations go by, the shops at Auburn, the huge platforms at Strathfield, and the old train yard between Ashfield and Redfern. I only go uni once a week during the night classes. There’s just something about going to UTS at night. I still remember the shortcuts in and out of each building, the places where I love to eat, and the music that buskers play as you come out of the Central tunnel. In a weird way, I kinda enjoyed all that uni hustle. I’ll most likely regret these words in about 5 months time when all of my assessments are lined up all at once to kick me in the nuts, but I’m kinda looking forward to uni life again.
If I’m doing a personal blog about the last 6 months than I guess I’ll have to talk about ... ASUFgbgjadgbtuoqqewE. I didn’t know how to start talking about it so I just mashed the keyboard hoping the words would come. Guess it didn’t work. I’m not gonna write about anything specific, that story is only for those who need to know. I’ll try explaining this a different way, this story about ‘her’.
It was like she was at the top of this very tall hill. There I am at the bottom, with just me and my bike. So I get on the damn thing and started riding my way up there. It’s pretty easy at first, just cruising along at an easy pace. Then the hill starts to become steeper, but I keep at it, continuing to traverse upwards. As I start to get use to the slope of the hill, it changes its grade once more and becomes twice as steep, this time, sending traffic down my way. Each passing vehicle scrapes my bike, continually building up the scratches that each leaves behind. The further I go, the steeper it gets while the traffic volume keeps multiplying and speeding faster. I learn to get better at riding and dodging, and continue travelling up this relentless hill. At this point, the slope becomes too steep and the traffic becomes too much, and people start telling me to get a grip and come back down before I get hurt. Common sense tells me I should listen. Normally I’d listen to reason and stop being stupid. But this time, I decide to attach rockets to my bike and soar my way to the top. I feel like I’m flying as I get closer and closer. Everything that I rode through starts to become all worth it... then I smash head on into an oncoming truck. It sends me halfway down the hill. I barely manage to keep riding. Cars continue to pummel downwards on me. I try to dodge again, but my bike has become all messed up. I no longer have control of its direction. I try as hard as I can to turn it back down, but it has become fixated on steering upwards. I desperately try to keep the bike upright, continually spinning the wheels, while the bike endures damage from all sides. I try to apply the brakes, but realise that I had removed that thing a long time ago. I try to keep moving, but the gears have become lodged into the bike’s mangled frame. Each revolution of the peddles just grinds the gears, cutting them deeper and deeper into the bike, fucking it up from the inside. And then, after hearing something, seeing something and knowing something I wish I hadn’t, I stop peddling. And just stare as a semi-trailer comes crashing down towards me, sending me all the way down to the bottom, with just me and a completely shattered bike. It stops working, no longer having to deal with anymore steep hills or oncoming traffic, or even the feeling of flying. And that was that. The person at the top of the hill has long moved on, but that’s ok. I’m gonna spend a little bit more time here at the bottom. Spend that time repairing my bike. I’m gonna pimp it all up, with larger wheels, a flashier frame and swifter peddles. Make it bigger and better than ever before. Though I must admit, I had a very beautiful view on my way up that hill... Well for now, time to rebuild my bike, this time, I’ll remember to install working brakes. And when I’m ready to go bike riding on hills again, maybe I’ll be stupid enough to throw those brakes away, and maybe I’ll be lucky enough to make it without crashing.
And that’s the end of that story. Well... it was supposed to be the end of it. Time for a switch on the analogy. A relationship is like a bear. It starts off as an innocent cuddly thing. Then it eventually grows. The warmth you get from it builds as you get closer. And as it grows, so does its teeth and claws. As you feel more comfortable with it, you also become more vulnerable to it. It takes two people to put in the effort to look after a damn bear, and if one person leaves, the one that’s left is unable to contain the thing and gets mauled and broken by it. Even though that bear was growing, she could not get past the sight of its teeth and claws, so decided to lock and cage the thing up before it could do any real damage and left it at that. And there I am, being stupid and continually prodding at that friggin’ bear, with what little strength it had left thrashing around, and seeing it too many times come free of its cage, just to be quickly locked back in with another goodbye. I just wanted so badly for it to stay free, but I wanted her to want that too. But maybe that’s just wanting too much. I try not to disturb that bear anymore. It’s left fading away in its cage. I don’t check up on it anymore, afraid that I might see it still breathing... or see that it has already died.
Well that was that story. If the analogies weren’t even close to being coherent, than oh well, it’s the closest I can get to making an already jumbles situation make sense. And it sounds overdramatic, but you know what. It’s my story that I wrote, so I can make it as dramatic as I want. ASd84ASD8Sd8AS@*)7580A... mashing on the keyboard...
I’ve been learning to play the guitar since February. Picked it up and I really love it. I’m in my own zone, where it’s just me and the melodies of my guitar. It’s weird being attached to an inanimate object. It lifts my mood when I play it and relaxes the mind. But it can also frustrate me as well when strings aren’t sounding right and the chords I try to play don’t sound like they should. In these moments of frustration I just feel like ripping the strings apart. Ever since the 2nd week I started playing the guitar, I’ve been learning to play the acoustic version of Edge of Desire by John Mayer. I sometimes am able to play that song and make it sound half decent, but often the tune of the strings I’m attempting to pluck just sound shit, ruining my mood making me just go aAGG@oUASBG!GBT!T9-YGH!@!... mashing the keyboard ... strange how I badly want to play song about wanting something so badly.
Edge of Desire
“I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe. There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me”
I’m still into John Mayer. His songs are just friggin’ magic. I thought I’d share some of my new favourites that I’ve heard over the months. So the next few paragraphs are pretty much me becoming a fangirl over John Mayeruloooooooooo!!!
In Your Atmosphere
“I’m gonna steer clear, ‘cause I’d die if I saw you, I’d die if I didn’t see you there”
When I went to John Mayer’s concert a couple of weeks ago, the atmosphere in there was wild. Everyone cheered and sung/screamed along to every song that man was playing on stage. But when this song came up, everyone shut their mouth and just got lost in the words of this song. Most powerful moment of the night.It has become one of my favourite songs of all time. It’s about no longer wanting to go to a place that you use go to with someone that you were once close with. Because it’s hard going somewhere where you know they might be. You’re constantly looking around and hoping you’d find them again, and you feel down when you don’t. But when you do see them, it’s like someone has kicked you in the lungs, jumpstarting your heart again. But then you realise that you’re both no longer what you use to be, and you’re all but strangers to each other now. That jumpstart feeling you had in your chest is crushed back to nothing as you both walk away. You just lose either way.
In Repair
“Oh, it’s taking so long, I could be wrong, I could be ready”
I’m so into this song. It’s such a nice lift me up song. It’s as though John is saying to me “dude, everything is gonna be alllllrrrriiiiggghhhtt!” And I’m like “really? SAWWWEEEEETTT JOHN MAYER!!!” And then we jump in the air and high five each other < /gay imagination>. The explanation of this song is pretty simple, but I like John Mayer’s explanation of it better:
JM: “This is a song about being fucked up but coming out of it, you know. When you’re a kid and you get a tennis ball to the nuts, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. But as all men will tell you, there’s no better feeling than when it stops hurting.”
Say
“It’s better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say again”
I’ve had this song playing on a loop as I write this blog. I feel kinda vulnerable writing all this ‘personal’ stuff, but you know what. I’m gonna say it anyway.
I love mellow songs. So easy to relax to. I’m relaxed about a lot of things. Woke up late for work? Eh, relax. Missed the train to a compulsory tutorial at uni? Don’t worry about it, catch the next train. Assignment that’s half finished that’s due in 2 hours? Relax, it’ll get done. Being the first person to do his presentation out of the whole class and is completely unprepared? Oh well, I can wing through that easily. Amazingly, all these things actually happened to me in the past 2 weeks. I don’t worry myself with such things. Not because I’m a mellow person, it’s because I know that there are more important things to worry about. Like with family. They’ve been through a lot over the years with news from afar, and I just have to hope that everyone is doing ok and that they’ll get through it all and remain happy. Worrying about who I can talk to about problems. Just gotta talk to people I trust about it. And if they’re too busy to talk, then I just have to wait. If they’re still too busy, then I’ll just have to wait longer until they’re free to help or until I convince myself that the problem no longer matters anymore and move on. And also worrying about other things...like dealing with my own doubt.
It’s not very often, but it’s a really dark feeling when there’s all this doubt. Especially when I begin to questions things about myself. Why are you drawing? Why are you playing the guitar? Why are you writing? And it’s a crap feeling when the response in my head says “don’t bother, no one’s watching, no one’s listening, no one’s reading. Even if they are, they’re not that impressed”. That voice comes out whenever I feel like I’m completely exhausted, and my will power is unable to fight back. I hate being like that, when it feels like all my accomplishments mean nothing because I have no one to share it with. It’s as though what I do isn’t enough and that it’s not worth much. The only time I feel like I’ve failed.
Whenever I read personal messages scrawled up on facebook, I’m always pissed when someone is overly down on themselves. And reading back on what I’ve written about myself in this blog, I’m pissed off again. There’s no reason for me to be doubting myself. I’ve worked hard to be who I am. I put so much effort into all the accomplishments I’ve gotten, and none of it was easy. My inspiration for my drawings has taken me years to get to where I’m at, even if they’re nowhere near as good as other people I know, I can still be proud of what I’m able to scrawl up on a page. I became the fastest learner in my guitar class because of all the hours I poured into practicing the damn thing every week. And this entire blog, dating back to the very first post back in March 2009, is a result of all my experiences that I’ve had put into words of humour and reflection. Everyone hurts. That’s just how it works. Life is just a bunch of random things that happen. There are no completely good or completely bad situations. Just a random combination of both, with the outcome of it depending on your perspective of what you see. I just have to believe that I’m worth more than I’m given credit for and that I deserve a lot more than what I’m given. I’m not naive enough to say my life is perfect, or selfish enough to say it’s shit. There are things that have made life easier over, and others that have made it that much harder over these 6 months. But even if I don’t perceive myself to be happier, I know I am definitely better and stronger than I was. So whatever happens in the next 6 months, be it new opportunities, the feeling of flying, broken bikes, or even unbearable heartaches, bring it all fuckin’ on!
